Going Ga Ga

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My daughter is a happy, toothy, gurgling six-month-old, completely unaware of all the trouble she's causing. What about me? Unable to squeeze into my size 12 jeans, having to make do with maternity smocks, putting up with emotional lows and breasts that spontaneously lactate at the most inopportune moments. 'My childless friends treat us like aliens! And don't even mention piles...' Who can help Mel cope now the euphoria of new motherhood has begun to wear off? Dan is the husband, proud father and ostentatiously the New Man about the house, balancing childcare with new business venture in the garden shed, with extendable tape measure still attached to his belt - extendable overdraft at the bank. Mel's mum is still on-hand with her peculiar 1950s parenting tips and a complete lack of distaste for buckets full of soaking terry nappies. Now seems to be looking trendier than Mel by comparison. Amanda, Mel's best friend, is full of advice on night nurses that cost a grand a week. Posh 'n' Becks lifestyle accessories now include Louis Vuitton buggy. Jools is Mel's Earth-mother friend - still breastfeeding five-year-old son; still urging Mel to adopt Gaia-centric parenting ways and getting her into trouble. Jackie is the obsessive baby-bore at Baby and Toddler group, unfortunately misidentified by Mel as a kindred spirit. Mel organises Mums' Nights Out, Christmas fair stalls and anything else that involves not being much fun and talking about your children with like-minded bores. Egle and Sonata, are Mel's lodgers, Latvia's answer to The Cheeky Girls. They flirt with Dan and visit his shed behind Mel's back, and are two good reasons for Mel to sex herself up. Marcia is Flo's childminder. How can she be so calm and focussed all the time. Bunty is a brightly-dressed, humourless and loathsome control-freak, who runs 'Tumble and Stretch' class for the under-twos, singing 'The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round' - but will the wheels come off for Mel?